glowin69low

guide me .. oo guide me
i’m lost in this wilderness
no path to follow
no lines to lead me out

guide me .. oo guide me
i’m blinded in this darkness
no lights to brighten the place where i stand
no glimpse of ray in this dark space

guide me .. oo guide me
i don’t know what to do
to move forward or backward
which is the front .. and which is the back

i know that i had to guide myself out of this space
i was the one who leads me into this place
i was the one who wants to get lost
and now i’m lost .. i need my own guidance

Here I am …
At least what’s left on me
With my weary eyes holding on to something so unreal
With the stiffing muscle allover my tired body
All the weariness tangled and tied-up with the tiredness

Hey YOU …
Yes YOU who stood there watching me all these times
Do YOU know what all of these means ??
Why everything had to happened all at once ??
Can’t YOU see that all these changes had dragged me in to ??
Don’t YOU realize I’ve drained my tears for all the pain I’m into ??

… .. .

Though at last my eyes will close
And I can inhale the breath slowly
With all the hopes fly as I exhale
Hoping to reach the end of all these asphyxiates condition
Then …
Only by then …
I will passed everything
Then reach the peaceful state of peacefulness

But then …
I might start to hide behind all my dreams and imaginations
That will drawn me into the dark side of it
Lost in the poignancy of my dreams
Then maybe …
Reality might strike me
Make me crawling back to the state of the awareness
Make me stretching my hands to reach YOUR glow
The glow that always out of my reach

I will go berserk
I will scream my lungs out
Yelling my angry words to YOU
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!
Don’t YOU dare leave me like this !!!!
Don’t even think to left me in this darkness !!!!
I need YOUr glow !!!!
Give me YOUr glow !!!!

… .. .

Hey YOU …
Look deep into my eyes
Deeply search in it
Tell me what YOU find in there ??
Can’t YOU see who really I am ??
What YOU have done to me ??
Why YOU made me get through all these changes ??
Made me into something that’s not really me
Can’t YOU still find me ??
Know me ??
Even noticing me ??
After all that YOU have done to me ??

… .. .

In the deep of the un-glowing poignancy
And in the silent of the empty soundlessness
Where I’d be drowning into the stillness of the dark
Hoping to see the glow
Waking up from my dark dreams
Open my eyes widely
Breathe my breaths freely
Screaming as loud as I can be

I WANT TO BREAK FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is just a part of the history that lays behind before the glowin69low .. a translation from one of my old poems in BAHASA INDONESIA

First things first, this is just a post to mention about what is the meaning behind the new name I use now, about why I choose the name, and about what are my plans on using this name for. And last but not least, about how I want the public to understand the things behind the name.

So, here goes … .. .

‘glowin69low’ just as it is, it’s about the glow of a glowing thing. Which everybody already knows that everything that’s glowing must have something to do with glow. I’ve been in a state of up and down in my whole life, as everybody else does too. All the ups usually have some part of glowing in the process. And all the downs will sometime have the un-glowing situations, or even dark to darkness conditions. But in my case, I’ve almost feel the darkness more than the glowing. And yet somehow, I still find the glow at the end of the narrowing dark alleys of my life. Just like what I had this pass few weeks. Now I can consider my self as in the state of glowing.

From all the darkness I’ve been through, I found many things that made me as strong as I am now; though sometimes I feel like I’m just too weak to face the reality. Because as the old saying says: reality bites. And it does bite; it even leaves wounds and bruises here and there. So, from those wounds and bruises I learned how to live the life in the dark, and gain lots of important things about how to conquer all obstacles and reached the glow at the end of each dark alley of my life.

And from the glowin69low of each dark alley I learn that life isn’t as hard as it seems. There are always hopes in waits of all long or short journeys we pass in life. And the glowin69low will always restore all the lose we feel we lost along the way or each journey. And of course, the same glowin69low will heal all the wounds and bruises from the bites of realities.

And this glowin69low name will be use as a reminder for me to let the glow glowing as it has to be through all the darkness within me and around me. And also to remind me about being a glowin69low to anybody that feels like they are living in a dark life. And last but not least, again … .. . this glowin69low name I dedicate to a person whose been a bright glowin69low at the end of my darkest alley.

Hope, things will work out just fine with me on my next steps of life, with my glowin69low on my side, until the final dark at the end of our lives.

ok .. continuing my post yesterday; i want to talk a little bit about one particular person that always passed by my blog almost everyday. as i said before, i don’t know you. what i know about you is you live in BANDUNG, i noticed that from your IP number. i’ve been watching what you’ve been doing in my blog. hope you won’t do any harmful activities against my blog. you are most welcome here, as long as you come in peace; coz i welcome you in peace.

it happen once, a crazy lunatic creature came out of nowhere without no reason; or maybe there is a reason that i didn’t know about; took over all of my accounts on the net. for me it’s just a crazy action that gave no effect on me, though he/she tried to harass my friends by sending crazy emails and messages by using my accounts. but gladly they are my friends, who really know me, so the actions that he/she pulled didn’t bring any effect on them either.

so .. you .. again i thank you for passing by my blog. and thank you for not doing any weird stuffs. may you live in peace and hope you enjoyed and will always enjoy my blog.

a mouth can be a sword
a sword to wound
a sword to kill
a sword to defend

a mouth can say zillions of words
words of wisdoms
words of loves
words of hates

a mouth is a creation of GOD that can creates
creates loves
creates hatreds
creates peace

a mouth will always be a mouth

truly the rough days these past two days for me. one project after another. and one obstacles came in and out after another as the distractions or almost like destructions. or even both .. the destructive distractions.

but i passed them already. finally come the week-end. but as other week-ends .. no plan at all. except a long sleeping time for me. and a boring awaiting moment of monday. what a great life i have .. isn’t it ??

anyway, i just want to spare some burdens i have about my job. it’s not a boring job. in fact, it’s the kind of job that i like. lots of obstacles to conquer. lots of new things to understand. and more things to learn about. i love my job. i can use almost all skills that i have, cause i’m a bit a “here and there” and “have to know everything” kind of employee.

my bosses so dependent on me. why bosses ?? they are a couple who shared working together as a partner. or better say, yelling, screaming, and blaming each other partners at work. actually they’re good when they’re good. but sometimes [or should i say – almost every time] they are more like a “panic reacting” peoples when things got roughs happened. moods changing everyday, depends on their love lives happening.
so for me, it’s always a brand new day. cause, yesterday never been the same as today. and today is another day from tomorrow.

just like what happen with me today. doing all the things by myself like crazy. missing my lunch and break. focusing on every details while doing other things that needs cares. and end the day with confusions caused by the bosses, who came late at the nick of time, giving new standards, which is already 3 days old without any notice to me? and asking me to make everything by the standards and has to finish today, which is going to end in another one hour. amazing isn’t it ?? or better i take it as .. amuzing isn’t it ?? [change the “s” to “z” for something as stupid as what just happen to me]

so i took a test that i found on the net. It called “RATE YOUR BOSS”. And the result that I got is … .. . [drum rolling]

good

I came across two different forms in finding the meaning of this phrase.

One was the book by Heman Hesse; “Siddhartha”. A fiction journey of a man name Siddhartha; searching for the enlightenment in finding the ‘grace’ through out his long live journey .

And the other one was an album by Foo Fighters; “Echo, silence, patience and grace”. All the songs in this album bring me closer to the meaning of the phrase.

behold and be still
in patience you shall find
by listening to the echo of silence
there where lies in peace ..
.. the wisdom of grace

smoke my cigarettes
buds after buds
ashes on top of ashes

smokes fills the room
smokes blurs my eyes
smokes stuck in my lungs

buds on my lips
buds on the ashtray
buds swims in the ashes

i’m bored .. and bored .. and bored
i smoke .. and bored .. and smoke
i’m bored .. and smoke .. and bored
i smoke .. and smoke .. and smoke

i’m bored of smoke
i smoke my bored
i’m truly smoke in my boredom ness

time slipped away
all with the essences n meanings
why is it had to be that way ??
what made it so long ??
and what made it taking so much time ??

then .. i swept away into the taste
only by looking into your eyes
the taste that’s been there too long

i saw your tears
the tears that falling for me
should i touched by them ??
by all those tears
or are they just cries ??

should i touched by them ??
by all those tears that poring down your eyes
only you know
it’s only you will know

the questions been asked
one after another
but no answers
no replies

only by the tears on your face
i can taste the answers
i can feel the replies

and then ….
here i am with my broken bones
limped by you
limped by your tears

for the man who once cried for me

original poem was in BAHASA INDONESIA .. i posted on www.coratcoret.com .. on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 04:16 AM

Dia Menangis

Waktu terus belalu
Semua dengan isi dan maksudnya
Mengapa harus demikian?
Mengapa harus begitu panjang?
Dan mengapa begitu lama?

Lalu aku terhanyut dalam rasa
Memandang matamu
Rasa yang ada di dalamnya
Kau menangis…..
Kau menangis untukku

Tersentuhkah aku…..
oleh semua air matamu?
Atau itu hanya tangisan?

Tersentuhkah kau…..
Oleh air mata di matamu?
Hanya kau yang tau

Pertanyan demi pertanyaan yang tak terjawab
Dengan air mata di wajahmu
kurasakan semua jawabnya

Dan tubuhku pun lemas
Terkulai hanya untukmu
Dan inilah aku dengan tangismu

untuk lelaki yg penah menangis untukku