glowin69low

the sound of silence
hummmmm
just a long hiss
no tone
no rhythm

the sound of silence
so empty
but yet .. filled with the stillness
static state of no movement
just blank

the sound of silence
the ecstasy of solitary
the trance of blankness
the abstractions of the so non-abstract emptiness
the catalepsy of the dazing dream

in my silence … .. .
with the hummmm sound brings me closer to THE CREATOR
with the stillness thoughts only about THE CREATOR
dazing and glazing the ecstasy in being close to THE CREATOR
touching and feeling the trance of being summon by THE CREATOR

summon me ooo LORD

“silence” by ~donjuki

at the gate of bliss i’m standing
in numb but not parelize
wishing for it to open wide
for me to see a glimpse of bliss

at the gate of bliss i’m waiting
in my complete patience
wating for it to open wider
for me to feel the bliss

knock .. knock .. bang .. bang
i knock and bang the gate
hoping to be heard by whomever inside
waiting for them to open the gate

and slowly it’s open
i can feel the breeze
softly blown to my numbness skin
a bit chill but full of joy

it’s the bliss that i wished
it’s the bliss i’ve been waiting for
it’s the bliss that hidden beyond the gate
the bliss of HIS GLORY

deicated to my LORD JESUS CHRIST … thank you LORD

wow .. it’s almost one month that i never post anything to my blog. sorry for not being able to post anything. especially for ‘you’ that always pass by just to see what i post on my blog. yes .. ‘you’ .. i know that ‘you’ always had your time almost every day for the passed two months; just to pass by my blog. i still don’t know who ‘you’ are .. but i know that ‘you’ always come at the wee-hours; so you must be a nocturnal human being. anyway, thanks to dropped by, ‘you’ are welcome to pass by anytime you like.

so .. what should i write now ?? *thinking hard*
naa .. not that hard though. maybe this is what they called a ’blocked mind’. but actually my mind isn’t blocked at all, coz i can still write something on my other blog; a ‘limited to some people’ blog. and i am pretty productive there. at least ‘someone’ knows about this.

but come to think of it .. my mind do blocked now. just don’t know what to write. so, i just want to take a privilege to say thanks to ‘you’ and also the other readers to pass by my blog. and just to let all of you know that i am still alive but with my blocked mind now.

Hah YouTube, a new thing that I just found out so amusing. Yes I know, I’m kinda late for this; since they’ve been there around 2005 – 2006; I’m not sure though :-D. But anyway it’s just so amazing to find what they’ve done and serve to the world wide viewer. I can find anything there, just like what Google can give you, only the information came with moving images in colours and sound. I can find what ever I’m looking for even what I don’t looking for but yet, still amusing and informative.

Anyway I’m here to share a bit of magic that YouTube have served me, what I did just typed one keyword, then … voila … a list of video clips will be shown in front of my eyes. At first I was planning to search for the video of DIO – Holy Diver. I come across few versions of the video; include the cover version by Killswitch Engage.

So here they go;

[1] original video clip of DIO; made around early 80s I guess, from the look of the way they made the video
This video remind me of Rambo hehehehe, and Ronnie James Dio still look so young even though a bit filthy with all the rats around :-S.

[2] taken from the HEAVEN & HELL Tour of DIO [2008]

The theatrical way of singing of Dio, he is old now; but still with his great and powerfull voice, no new band’s vocalist can match his power. Yes it’s true that they slowing the beat a bit, but Dio is a great singer.

[3] a cover version by Killswitch Engage [2006]

See the difference between the original and the cover version ?? How the old timer make the video seriously to bring the meaning behind the song, and how the youngsters just make the video for fun. No offends, I still like what Killswitch Engage done with their video.

So, what I’m trying to say here is, no matter who own YouTube, I’m glad that it is there on the net for our amusement. Then, let’s just enjoy it.

A friend of mine just had his birthday yesterday. He was happy to have his birthday, but also frighten to go into the next phase of his life. Why? Because, yesterday he was officially pass the number “30”, a number which is so sacred for people that never past it. But not to them who had passed it long time ago. Yea, just like me. I past that number … 6 years ago. Hahaha … it is how old I am.

But it was just fine by me, being a 30s something single [upzz] woman is truly an incredible adventure. And passing that number was just a phase where I had to realize that I’m no longer a girl. That I have to be able to manage my mind into focusing on something real, no longer imagining things that can only be dreams.

And passing that number is not only made me get into the grown-up group, but also made me a member of a group where people with adult way of thinking should be in. Yes … an adult way of thinking, I question myself at that time what is this mean. I tried to find out what it is, and end up with no definite answers. Then I stop to search, and end up understanding it by going through my days in this adventure of being an adult.

Actually it is not that hard for being an adult. I just have to open up my horizon and try to see things clearly from a far. Yes, clearly … it means to see not only the distinct things; but also things that hidden in the same scene. Slowly but sure I learnt how to see all details, up to the smallest details in front of me, or actually all around me – front, back, top and bottom. And this can only be done by seeing things in many perspective way of understanding. Heavy isn’t it. To be frankly, yes it is. But that’s just what I have to accomplish, not by rushing things up, but by getting through it naturally.

So, back to my friend again, he is 30 now. Have a good settled job, good earnings. But, he has no girlfriend. For him this is sucks [excuse my language, but it is like that to him]. For him, passing the number “30” means he has to be settled in all ways, meaning having a good job and being a family man. To be a husband of a beautiful wife [it’s a must for him], and will be better if there is/are a child/children to be involve. But come to think of it, this is hard thing to accomplish for him, concerning that there is no girl whose good enough for him in his life.

In this case, I can only give my friend one suggestion. What he needs to do is to be surrender to the universe. This means completely surrender, with no doubts. Just puts his trust to the universe, then the universe will guide him to the point where he will find the perfect one for him. But perfect not means the most perfect from the other, it means the most fitted one for him.

I gave him this suggestion, because that was what I do after passing the number “35”, another phase of my adventure. And this condition of being completely surrender has brought me to the point where I found and being found by a perfect and most fitted “one” for me.

For quite a long time, I’ve been avoiding my heart. I tend to believe that heart only brought me to pain. What ever the path I choose it’ll end up hurting me. Trusting my heart only made me blinded by feelings, and forgets about all the facts and realities.

So I choose to believe only to my brain. And let my brain do all the works. Do all the calculations of the steps I need to take. Prepare all the preventions for all obstacles that may come. Learn about all facts that will help me get though the journey.

And I made the right choice. My brain really helped me get through the journey. I enjoyed letting myself companied by my brain. Me .. myself .. and my brain.

But somehow, yet it still didn’t bring me certain satisfaction – the human part of me speaking; as satisfaction is what all human searching for in life. Another reality revealed in front of me. I felt lonely. Not just my heart telling me that. But my brain tuned on the same tune. This is hurting. Hurting myself .. hurting my brain .. and deeply hurting my heart. Reality do bites :-/.

Then I started to share my self to my heart. My brain tried hard to tell me not to. But still, it is me that had to make the choice. Not my brain, nor my heart. Even though they both still continued their fights, I made my choice. I made up my mind. The mind that fills with thoughts of my brain, and the feelings of my heart.

So I continue the journey of my life. Me .. myself .. and my mind.

in one GOD we trust .. aren

Few days ago I had a small conversation [cyberly speaking] with one of my friend. It wasn’t a deep talk. But it’s deep enough if you try to dig in it. It’s simply about religions. How we both act about it. What we think about it. How we concern to others about it. Just simply about religions and people with or without religions.

My friend feels that it doesn’t matter much to him about his friends’ religions. There’s never a portion for religions in friendships. What ever it is he’d be treating his friends equally, which sounds good for me.

Back in the old days, what I mean is my old days. I have many friends with different background of religions. Some good with what they believe. Some just believe but not doing any good. And some just doing it too much and believing it to deep, but not making them a good person in friendships. Or some other that believe that they are good enough in what they believe.

Back in to my old neighborhood. Everybody just likes or hates anybody, occasionally or frequently, despite what religions the other has. Nobody cares much about it, because we grew up like brothers and sisters. It wasn’t just about friendships.

Get back in to my present live. Seems like everybody so open minded about other’s religion. And it seems like they just don’t give a damn about other’s religion. What they care about is how they do their rituals to their Gods. Why Gods? I lived in Bali. “The island of the Gods”. They don’t care about what the other people would do to who ever the God is. This is one of thing that I love about Bali.

Then get back again to the cyber; where my friend is; at least in one small corner of it. I found many interesting things there. Some news about religions that might blew up anger on people’s minds. Some other news about how the celebrities expose their religion.
Or just some simple posts on the blogs, just like mine. There are posts about how to be a better person in religious way. Some other posts speaking about how other religions are not as good enough as theirs. And even hatred shown in a big capital letters about other religions.
The sad thing is, on most of these kinds of post; some people still leave their resentment comments. Sometime it doesn’t even have any relation to the topic. As long as they can express their false and fool thoughts on the comment box; it’ll be just enough for them. Or even better if there are other people that will screaming back at them. Really sad isn’t it?

Now, back and end in to my crazy mind. The crazy mind that brought up in a moderate family of mine. Whit a Dad whom educated by the military. A Mom who’s actively practicing the religion in, out and around the church. And they both make really good friends with many kinds of other religion.
They taught me to except others as equally as I want them to except me, no matter what their religion is. I taught to care to others, whom ever they are. Not to hate anybody, even the one that hates me. They didn’t teach me with words; but they taught me with actions and reactions. This is just simple basic things that have been there in my mind since I was a little girl; even then the mind went crazy.
Then live taught me about many things; that almost made me end up as an agnostic; but thank goodness I am not. About how should I react or not to react at all about religion. About what to think and not to think about other, or my religion. About how to just silently or loudly speaking, or even screaming about the religion.
Then now I conclude; and still continuing learning; about my thoughts from all the teachers I had and will still have; that religion for me is just a mark that some people loves to keep. Some keep it only because they want to believe in something. Some just want it to be there so they’re not marked as an atheist or even communist; even though communism should not have anything to do with religion. And some just keep it to gain some fortunes by making a new religion that have many followers.
And what’s important to myself and my crazy mind is how I believe in GOD as an individual human being that created by HIS own hands. And about how I should continuing living among other people with my basic taught of my parents. Because for me believing is not just to believe in GOD, but also about how I should trust HIM, to put HIM first in the front line of my life, to act the way HE taught me as shown in HIS life as a human, to think the way and in the way HE think about anything. And in a simple phrase is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” [Mathew 22:37]; and to “do to others what you would have them do to you” [Mathew 7:12].

i want to write something
but don’t know what to write
i feel that there is something to write
but i’m still not sure what it is

i want to write something to someone
but i don’t know to whom i should write
i feel that there is someone to read my writings
but i’m still not sure who that is

i want to
but i don’t know
i feel it
but i’m not sure

i want to write something today
something about my confusions
confusions about things that i want to write
confusions about whose going to read my writings

ooo my numbness heart ..
what can you feel ??
ooo my restless mind ..
when will you stop ??

i used to believe .. and still do believe
that i can do anything
things i can not .. i can learn

so where can i learn how to feel ??
is there any manual book of hearts and feelings ??
how can i learn to stop my mind from thinking ??

logic ..
reality logic ..
logical facts ..
but no feelings

how can i became like this ??
what had triggered me ??

only my mind talking now
no sound of my screaming heart anymore

lots of love in this lost world
and lots of lost love in this world too

many love their money .. big .. small .. doesn’t matter
some love their status .. good .. bad .. still doesn’t matter
and other love their jobs .. hard .. easy .. or no job at all .. no matter too
he loves .. she loves .. old or young .. still the same
you love .. they love .. alive or dead .. no matter

many love their family .. mom .. dad .. sister .. brother .. it’s ok
some love their pets .. furry or even slimy .. still ok too
other love their rides .. cars or bikes .. just ok

but some times loves came with hates .. too bad
hates about life .. or deaths .. that’s bad
hates about success .. or disappointment .. it’s so bad
and that’s the facts of live
loves and hates all around us .. alive
loves and hates among us .. keep on alive